a modern girl: May 2013

Another semester gone, it started like this: cold, dark, and silent; the air burned my cheeks and chapped my lips the day I got back to the city, the long and lonely wait for the yellow taxi cab in the - 7º C winter reminded me once more that I was in fact, alone again in this navel of the world. It is a familiar feeling, one that I've grown to find both comforting and unbearable at the same time. Every time, when my feet hit the ground, and I walk through aisles with posters that welcome you to this human city, and my ears start hearing and translating different languages, I know then that I must be an adult again. It is bittersweet to be back, but I smile and breathe her in: hello again, New York.

Because that is New York, New York when you are happy, New York when you're sad, New York when the lights at the venue illuminate your favorite band, New York when you kiss that stranger at the bar, New York when the young man with the speakers starts to spin in the dirty subway floor, New York when that boy from the clichéd coffee shop (I don't even like coffee) smirks beautifully at you, New York holding your hand when you walk into that very important interview, New York when you sit in the subway and think about the immortality of the crab, and New York the main University of Life. She truly is that best friend you love to fight.

Every time I come and go I leave with a new lesson about myself, but this time I learned from others, this time I memorized from front to back New York, a novel, by various authors.

I am quiet the reserved person. People often think I am stuck up, too shy, prudish, a nice nelly. For some reason, I allowed those comments to really bother me, but I don't regret it because I have become so much more care-free now. I needed it, and though I'm still little old goody-girl me, I have allowed myself to be a kid and do some irresponsible things here and there. I sometimes feel like I missed that part of my teenage years, but that is the awesome thing about New York. In this city you can be 40 and still be a kid, except for those times you actually need to focus on your job. I saw this on my friends, those who surround me that never cease to amaze me. Back home I had so many lovely people taking care of me and sharing moments with me, but when I came to New York I had to take care of myself, and it is as if I met a new kind of people for the new me, the kind of people who do things they believe in, passionate, who follow their dreams, people more like me. I was ready for them, and I have learned so much from them. I had finally found people who did not degrade my dreams, they are never "if's" for them, they are facts. And if you are wondering what my dreams are, well they tend to be kind of big and crazy, but as of now they are basically to be happy and content with life. So many people ask me what I want to be, but to be honest I have no idea. I think I know I want to be a filmmaker, but then again, I wanted to be a journalist not long ago, I'll probably want to be a musician next month.

My relationship with New York is kind of a love-hate one to be completely honest, but it never ceases to amaze me on those first precious days of warmth and sun. Everything is allowed. Short shorts, sandals, and sun dresses. Bare skin, ice cream and big smiles. "It's 25º C (80ºF) outside? You are leaving work early today? Please do, it's too nice outside for you to be here."

Desperately human. New York lives through tired lives and exhilarating moments. New York is wealth and also poverty, both of the pocket and of the heart. Its strangely human with its high and lows, and various personalities. Its alive, it pumps blood, it breathes warm breath and it moves constantly. It’s like this omnipresence, and it is so amazing but so overwhelming. That is why I feel like I couldn’t live here forever. I’ve always felt like its temporary. Picture it like going to a club: you’re just there for a few hours, and you begin by watching, exploring, tasting, and then you get tipsy and have the time of your life, but then eventually you lose control and feel sick, and all you want is to be sober, be calm, again. And that’s when you know its time to escape. But like all good drugs, it keeps you coming back for more, and it only takes one taste to wrap you around its vices again. New York is the best addiction of them all.

One more year to go and I am determined to make the most of it. Where will I be next year this same day? Who knows...but that is the most exciting thing of it all, that I can do and be WHATEVER I want after all is done.

All in all, my life today can be pretty much be summed up by saying: Mexico taught me how to love, but New York taught me how to live.

Another semester gone, it ended like this: we enter a tunnel and I see a girl with lost brown eyes and unruly hair reflected on the subway window. She stares back at me and smiles goodbye as she disappears with the coming of light. I realize it was me all along, and now she has stayed back on the past stop, stayed to leave space for the brand new me. And so the train goes.